5 Thoughts on Family Enmeshment within Immigrant Families

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Family enmeshment is described as having a lack of boundaries with one or more person in your family. This can lead to different consequences in adult life such as codependency, lack of self-esteem and identity and unhealthy coping mechanisms. An example of this could like your own mental health struggles and when you speak to your parent about it, they get overwhelmed resulting in you looking after their feelings. Usually, family enmeshment occurs when parents do not know any different and this was the way that their parents treated them.

If you come from a family that has migrated to another country and you have had to teach yourself how things work as well as teaching your parents at the same time, chances are that you might have had or still have an enmeshed dynamic with your family. This can look different depending on your family dynamics e.g. you could be the person that puts your personal needs to the side because 'it can wait', or you could be the one holding the family together financially and emotionally because 'you can'. Alternatively, you could also be the 'black sheep', the family member that decide to break out of what was expected at the expense of yourself. 

1. Gratitude for Opportunity vs. Family Enmeshment  

Coming from a migrant family might mean that you have much more opportunities and luxuries than your parents might have had. This might leave you feeling like you owe your family gratitude. You might hear about how hard it was for them to get an education and that you should be grateful. If you are left feeling guilty about the opportunity you have as verbal punishment or as a way to control your career or life path - that is not okay.

For parents, it most likely comes from a place of wanting you to do well in life, however, by following through with everything that might not have been your personal choice might leave you empty as an adult.

2. Responsibility vs. Family Enmeshment

The feeling of responsibility can often leave you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and stuck. Holding the emotional and financial burden of your family can often feel like you are stuck in a limbo of being a child but also an adult who wants to move on with their life. This might look like looking after your family’s finances but not having the opportunity to build on something of your own. Emotionally, this could mean that you are unable to get empathy from them if your are having a difficult time because they will then get worried so you end up holding everything by yourself. This can lead to resentment towards life, family and yourself for being in this situation. 

For parents, this is likely to come from a place of this is what was expected of them when they were children.

3. Tradition vs. Family Enmeshment

Tradition might be that children are expected to be responsible for their parents when they become adults. It is what everyone around you does and it is also unheard of not to look after your parents as they are getting older because they have given you the opportunity that you have today. Much like responsibility above, tradition expands to societal expectations. Taking care of parents is important, especially if you come from a big collective community, however, again not at the expense of being guilt-tripped where your mental health is being affected. There are plenty of ways that you can take care of our parents without it feeling like a burden without being stuck in the child-adult limbo.

Again, for parents, this might come from a place of being used to this expectation as that's how it was when they were growing up.

4. Love vs. Family Enmeshment 

One of the biggest misconceptions is that by doing exactly what your parents would like even though it not to the maximum benefit of yourself, you are showing them, love. And in return for your commitment to them, they will love you back. This is what is called an emotionally co-dependent relationship. The intense intimacy and sense of feeling like you are holding the family together might feel great at that time. But, when there is a time you can't follow through with something or when it doesn't align with your needs, you might get a completely opposite reaction to gratitude and love from your parent. 

Wanting to please your parent and always putting your needs to the side and then feeling isolated when you say you cannot do something is a vicious cycle and can again keep you in this child-adult loop rendering you stuck and not allowing yourself to validate your own needs. 

For parents, there might be a fear of losing you into adulthood and the rest of the world. Unlike a collective community where everyone is nearby and close, they might fear that once you become fully independent that you will not be around.

5. Individuality vs. Family Enmeshment 

Getting to know yourself is difficult when those around you are telling you how to behave, what subjects to take for GCSEs. what University course to take, what jobs to apply for and so on and so forth. Either you follow through with this all and try to figure out along the way, always questioning whether you made the right choice or not or you take your chances and do not listen. Either way, you might feel stuck in not knowing what it is you actually want in life or you are stuck in a lonely place because no one understands this new path you have taken.

For parents, this might come from the place of having a fail-safe plan for you to succeed, practically it makes sense but the emotional aspect of this is forgotten.

Part of this struggle stems from not being able to create your own identity as you were growing up. If you can relate to this, a great starting place is investing in your relationship with yourself. Taking the time to trust yourself, what makes you happy? What doesn't? Who is this benefitting?