5 Thoughts on Attachment Styles & Impact on Adult Relationships
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The attachment theory suggests that there are four types of attachment styles that we develop depending on how our childhood needs were met; secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant/unorganised attachment. It evolved from a social experiment called the Strange Situation by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. It involved observing one to two year olds and their interactions with their mother after their mother had left them with a stranger for a couple of minutes. Depending on how the children reacted upon their mother’s arrival they would fall into one of the above four categories.
However, this might not be the case across all cultures where the primary caregiver might not just be the mother but a group of people that might be living at home or in close proximity e.g. grandparents, older siblings, aunts and uncles. This can particularly be the case if they have recently migrated and trying to build a new foundation, so how does this impact the generation that grows up in a foreign country to their primary caregiver in their later adult life?
It is also important to note here, much of what is experienced through a primary attachment, might be passed on to the parent by their primary caregiver and them by theirs. So it might be intergenerational in its nature and also the “normal” way of relating in one cultural to another.
Secure Attachment
A secure attachment style suggests that we as children had most of our needs met such as being fed, being picked up when crying and comforted when in pain. We would learn that if something went wrong, it will be okay soon and support will be given one way or another. Parents are seen as trusting sources of comfort and from there stems trust and vulnerabilities being embraced.
Applying this to the Sri Lankan Tamil community, this might be reflective for families were there was plenty of support for parents either by acculturation well to the host country or by having family and friends who are in similar situations but are able to support and guide them. By feeling supported themselves as adults, they are able to better support their children.
This is probably the most common attachment style and as adults relationships are engaged in with trust, intimacy, low anxiety or avoidance. As an adult, partners going about their independent lives is not cause for distress but something that is embraced.
Avoidant Attachment
An avoidant attachment style suggests that we as children, did not get our needs met. Early on we learn that help will not be provided so there is little or low crying/signs of distress. Strangers and caregivers are seen are not differentiated. This might be common with parents are not themselves in a place to provide emotional and physical support. When expanding this, this might be true for many families who have migrated and their primary function is to provide material things such as a home, paying bills and setting up a foundation for their children to grow in. The emotional comfort might not be present because they have little to give, or they themselves are working on just surviving. Many parents who have experienced trauma might also find it quite difficult to connect with their children (e.g. war trauma, childhood abuse, adult abuse).
Thinking about the Sri Lankan Tamil community in particular and the oppression and war trauma that parents might have experienced prior to migrating, avoidance might be the best way to suppress the conflict, the grief, loss and the trauma. The fear of engaging with close intimacy might feel too painful and feels best left unprocessed which then has an impact on parenting styles.
This of course has a myriad of challenges in adult relationships, as by now we would have learnt to “leave before we are left” as a coping mechanism from pain or hurt. Small signs of rejections (which may not actually be rejections) can send close us up quickly and present ourselves as distant, arrogant or uncaring to name a few examples. Growing up quite independent might leave little room for another to get close because a) we don’t know what that looks like and b) it might feel too risky. Relationships can feel tricky where trust and intimacy can feel hard to achieve, and independence is leaned on more than a partnership in fear of the partner not being reliable (even though they might be).
Anxious Attachment
An anxious attachment style suggests that as children, experienced our parents as both quite present and attuned at times and completely missing at other times. This develops an anxious and uncertain way of relating as we are never quite sure when comfort and support will be provided. This then results in children clinging on to their parents and feeling unable or unsafe to venture too far away from them. This might be common where parents themselves are quite anxious and undecided with how safe or unsafe the world feels, or parents who know how to attune to their children theoretically but might have difficulties in creating a genuine connection.
Again, applying this to the Sri Lankan Tamil community who have migrated, this way of relating to children might stem from living an oppressed country as a minority where the world did indeed not feel safe. A want to protect their children at all costs might arise, especially in a new host country where there is a lot of cultural clashes and differences and a fear of becoming “westernised”. This might be coupled with not having enough time and energy to be attuned whilst trying to provide for their children hence an on and off emotional tap.
As adults, relationships might be quite difficult because we have a taste of what intimacy and closeness looks like and would crave for this, all whilst knowing in can also not be present. This means there can be high anxiety levels and wanting to be close often and consistently. We might worry about our relationship quite a lot and whether it will last or our partner will stay. It might also feel safer to stay in relationships that might not be great for us, just to feel some closeness as opposed not having anyone at all.
Anxious Avoidant or Disorganised Attachment
An anxious avoidant or disorganised attachment style is often associated with a chaotic upbringing. This is reflective if we as children experienced parents who were addicted to drugs or alcohol or perhaps it was an environment filled with domestic violence. Here, a pattern of relating isn’t established as often there isn’t one to relate to. We would be both anxious or avoidant as we do not know what sort of parent we were going to meet each day due to their own difficulties and challenges in life. Intimacy and trust isn’t built so it can be quite confusing when seeing others who do build relationships with trust and intimacy.
In relation to the Sri Lankan Tamil community, this might be common in parents who might be experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) with alcoholism or drug addictions being symptoms of the PTSD or any other form of trauma as opposed to the problem itself. PTSD can be particularly common within families that have experienced direction violence or witnessed this as a result of the war and again suppression through substance misuse might be a form of coping.
Adult relationships can often be difficult due experiencing volatile caregiving styles. This might present as being hot and cold in relationships; sometimes anxious and overly attached and sometimes very distant and avoidant. It can feel tricky to feel safe or held by another if that experience has never been had before. Intimacy might feel uncomfortable and worrying about relationships can feel normal.
Although we can rarely help what sort of attachment style we pick up whilst we grow up, it’s important to notice that this can be fluid as we grow up, we might experience different forms of attachments from teachers, tutors, other family members, friends and their parents or other adult figures. This can change the course of how we relate to others. Often times we may be acting out our past patterns unconsciously, when in reality it might not be what we would like to do with our partners and children. Having an awareness of how we relate and partners relate and being able to communicate this can help a long way in balancing relationships better and breaking the cycle.
Sources & Further Reading
https://www.simplypsychology.org/culture-attachment.html